Happy Couples Argue by Focusing on Solvable Issues First - Lessons for Non-Domestic Disputes As Well

“In marriage, conflict is inevitable. Even the happiest couples argue. And research shows they tend to argue about the same topics as unhappy couples: children, money, in-laws, intimacy.”

But the way in which they argue makes all the difference. And this insight may help other people who mediate or negotiate non-domestic conflict.

Happy couples look for solutions - even in the topics that they choose to discuss. 

“When researchers observed couples discussing marital problems, all couples focused on issues with clearer solutions, such as the distribution of household labor and how to spend leisure time.”

Couples in the study “rarely chose to argue about issues that are more difficult to resolve.” That decision may be one of the keys to marital success. "Focusing on the perpetual, more-difficult-to-solve problems may undermine partners' confidence in the relationship.”

Instead, couples (and others in conflict) should try to focus on solvable problems first in order to build up a sense of confidence and security in the relationship and the dynamic.

When couples can work together to resolve their issues, it gives them the confidence to tackle the more difficult issues such as their health and intimacy - which “may be more difficult to address without challenging their partner's sense of competence or making the partner feel vulnerable or embarrassed, resulting in more conflict.”

Couples who build up a bank of goodwill and success in solving other marital problems have greater likelihood of success in addressing more difficult problems. This is true for people in non-domestic conflict.

Researchers also found that couples who were married longer reported fewer serious issues and argued less overall. This is consistent with previous research suggesting that older partners' perceptions of spending less time with each other may lead them to prioritize their marriage and decide some issues are not worth the argument.

In other words, choose your battles wisely, keeping the big picture in mind.

The original article can be found here.